SHAME IS A FUNNY THING.

Very early in my life I was aware that I was a people person. I had a real love for people and wanted to be with them. Deep in the dreams of my heart I could see the best in people and felt a yearning to promote their best qualities. But somewhere along my rocky childhood I tucked that dream away and lived to survive. I desired more than anything to be loved as I knew I could love others. Interestingly enough, one day the scriptures delivered a major news bulletin: “And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”  It’s not like I didn’t know this was a commandment but it hadn’t dawned on me that the love I was extended to others wasn’t as deep or as complete as it could be if I had extended this great kindness to myself first. “But, but,” I sputtered. “I was never taught to love myself!” I didn’t even know where to start! That’s when the real journey began. It took a year and it wasn’t always pretty. I’ll spare you the daily details but suffice it to say that it challenged my every thought, memory and belief about myself.

As a child, I was conditioned to believe, “there’s so much wrong with you that you’ll never be good enough to be loved”. Oooo. That sounds awful doesn’t it? Nevertheless it was how my parents felt about themselves and they projected that on to me. I just wish, as a kid, someone had told me to not take it personally and that my parents were only struggling with childhood conditioning that left them scarred. But that was something I wouldn’t discover until my early 40s. I remember trying to express my love to my parents as a kid but because of their own self-esteem issues, it wasn’t enough and I internalized it as I was unlovable.

Ideally, the order of progression for a child to learn about love is they first need to be loved. Then they learn to give love and, based on the level of acceptance by those who have been entrusted with their care, form in their own minds a level of worthiness of love. Feeling worthy of love is a defining point in a child’s life at which love for self and a deep connection with others unite. Connection is why we are here. It’s all that matters. But first we must have a connection with ourselves. It seems to be essential that we don’t just believe we could be loveable but that we know unequivocally that we are loved as is.

It’s been quite a journey for me to iron out the wrinkles of shame in my own awareness of worthiness and reconnect with this person I call self. Not only that but even though it should have been my parents’ who loved me unconditionally, it is still MY responsibility to love me.

For so long I was ashamed for ‘not being good enough’ and I hid myself from the world. I ducked my head and just raised my children and went to church and that was it. I played small. I didn’t have close friends, I rarely socialized and being noticed in public was very stressful. My greatest fear was that someone would get too close and discover I was unworthy of their love and friendship. 

Shame is a funny thing. Often it’s connected with the perception that you yourself have done something inherently wrong. That is to say that you intentionally did something that went against your truest self or your value system. I’ve since realized that I didn’t purposefully do anything to be ashamed of but was erroneously lead to believe that even my very existence was shameful. 

I’ll tell you now, shining a spotlight on yourself, flaws and all, and admitting that there is something to like about yourself is a difficult thing to do. It goes against everything I was taught to believe about myself. But the longer I stood in that deliberate spotlight looking at my qualities, values and characteristics that made me uniquely me, the easier it became to identify more things I really did like. I gave myself permission to say, “I like that about myself.” Towards the end of a year I found myself enjoying my own company, accepting that who I am is just fine and hey, what’s not to love???!!!

Making a connection between loving yourself and loving others is life changing or at least it has been for me. If you’ve always thought you were a cool cat and never doubted your lovability, count your blessings! Self-acceptance is the most loving thing we can do for ourselves. And no, it doesn’t make us selfish; it makes us real, valid and present. For me it reawakened that childhood knowing that I have a contribution to make in this world. It reminded me that I have a great love for my fellow man and I need to share it and express it freely, never looking back or letting someone diminish my dream. I am free to love my neighbor, as myself because I love myself the way God loves me. I don’t have to hide my face or play small or doubt my self-worth. It allows me to take my place in society and do what I was born to do. 


Lesson: Love of ones’ self heals everything. 
1%: Love unconditionally without the expectation of reciprocity.